Resilience Archives

A New Perspective to Traveling

Posted on February 26, 2018May 5, 2020 by Dean Scott

by Teacher Traveler Dude

In 2003 I had the chance to visit Petra, Jordan. At the time, I was in the military and I had some time off before my next deployment. Prior to visiting Jordan, I had deployed a couple of times to the Middle East. These deployments were life-altering experiences. But, I will save that for some other time.

I grew up in South Florida, one of the most diverse areas in the country. I was used to diversity and being in a melting pot of Latin Americans and natives from the Caribbean. That being said, nothing really prepared me for the culture of the Middle East. Before I deployed to the Middle East I had never been exposed to this culture, outlook or people in any meaningful way. No movie or newspaper article could have ever prepared me for the culture of the Middle East.

Making The Trip

I decided to make the trip and try to sort out for myself what I was doing and to approach the culture from a different perspective. My previous time in the Middle East was guided by what I had to do for the military. While I was certainly lucky to meet and work with some great people from the Middle East, my entire paradigm and outlook was based on those interactions. While these experiences were certainly unique, it would be like traveling to the US and only interacting regularly with people in the US Military. You would learn a lot, but you would certainly have a limited view, and would miss out on a lot about what makes that culture special.

My plan while in Jordan was to spend a couple days in the city of Amman, and then head south to see Petra, Mount Nebo, the Red Sea, the East Bank and the Dead Sea. I had seen some amazing pictures of Petra and I wanted to see it with my own eyes. After finishing up my time in Aman, I headed down to Petra and arrived at sunset. This turned out to be an absolute blessing, as I had the chance to head into the Petra through a canyon entry-way called the Siq, lit with candles, and walk to the “Monastery.”

This was a tremendous experience that I had the chance to share with other people from around the world. This really put me in the right frame of mind to enjoy my time in Jordan, to slow down and truly listen and learn. I took my trip not that long after 9/11 and was it soon after the war in Iraq began. I had viewed an entire culture and population from the context of “conflict.” This trip helped me view these people as individuals with their own stories, hardships, and lives.

Petra Ancient Structures

Petra Jordan caves history ruins temple — **Petra, Jordan caves & ruins**

What was great about Petra is that it showed me firsthand the remnants of a civilization that significantly predates our own – the United States is a relatively young country. Such a large, gorgeous, and ancient structure is always a great reminder to remember our place in the long history of humankind. Traveling around Jordan after visiting Petra also did a great deal to remind me of this as well. Traveling to the East Bank of the Jordan River and to Mount Nebo shows how close the people of the Middle East are to one another. Looking across the border to Egypt, Israel, and Syria was an enlightening experience for someone used to living in the US. It was an incredible reminder of the pivotal history that took place there, and seeing the physical record of all that history was life-changing.

This trip helped me a lot over the years that followed. I was deployed back to the Middle East a few more times and had to deal with the challenges of being in Iraq during conflict. That being said, I am sure that having this context and experience of Middle Eastern culture helped me navigate the challenges I faced in a much more educated and empathetic way. These experiences, this trip, changed my life in many ways. It created an understanding and respect for people who were very unlike anybody I had ever known. It also helped me see beyond common misconceptions that we, as Americans, suffer from. Traveling is an amazing cure for much the prejudices and of what ails us as individuals and societies. To continue join us for his 2nd part of his story, Travel Tales: Kurdistan Iraq.

Acceptance, Resilience, and Happiness: Month Five

Posted on January 23, 2018July 22, 2021 by Leesa Truesdell

This soul-searching series showcases my grieving process over the course of the most harrowing and heartbreaking six months of my life. It offers a window into how I worked through the processes of loss and resiliency after the passing of my beloved grandmother. Perhaps it will be of benefit to you if you are struggling to cope with a similar situation.

To read the previous article in this series, please go here.

And all the worlds within you, and all the places you go.” – Bush, All The Worlds Within You

After traveling to Italy for spring break, I listened to Bush’s new album and the lyrics in this song spoke exactly to how I felt at that time. It was one of the first times I really felt that music is the answer. The grieving process (albeit, so difficult at the time) transformed me into someone I should have been all along. We all learn from our experiences – well, I do – and what I’ve learned most is that nothing lasts forever. So, whatever you treasure the most in life, whether it’s a relationship or a person, tell that person or show them.

I did a very good job of this with my Tata throughout her life, but I know I probably could have done more: like sending her an extra card or two over the years to let her know how much I missed her. My mom gave me some things when I was ready after her death. The things that my mom gave to me made me realize how much she had treasured the little things. She kept toys and objects since I had been a small child – bathtub toys, Cabbage Patch dolls, books that she knew were my favorite, just to name a few. Also, there was a card from years back that I had sent to brighten her spirits.

Remember the Positives

I knew her so well, that when we would speak on the phone, I knew when she was happy or sad. The slightest tone change in her soft Puerto Rican (boricua) accented voice would give it away. I remember sending her the card that is now one of the most precious keepsakes that I have from her.

Although we spoke regularly, every so often I would send her a card. I wanted to let her know how much she meant to me. I knew in the back of my mind how much she loved receiving them. She loved walking down to her mailbox and getting the mail each day. In my mind, as I wrote each card, I pictured the smile on her face as she hurried to open it. With each day that passes, I miss the hell out of her. The one thing I miss the most is her voice. I carry it in my heart and use it to do the good things that she would have wanted me to do.

Music Is The Answer to Acceptance

Verse 1, listed below, explains the part of the person I should have been all along (Who I try to be today!). Verse 2 talks about having the world within you and the places you go. Having just returned from Italy and experienced the many insightful things I did, this really hit me hard. Traveling has always been my method of learning. For some reason, this song, at this time in my life, really spoke to me. For me, music is the answer in coping with loss.

The first time I heard this song, I finally felt a sense of acceptance toward what had happened. I’ll never forget the morning my finger clicked my iPod on the Metro on my way to work. It was as if everything around me stood still. These words echoed through my ears and straight down into my heart. I smiled and then hit rewind. This series could easily be titled Music Is the Answer and this, right here – this Metro experience – this is why. Music changes people’s lives in ways that cannot be described, although I have tried.

[Verse 1]
The longest night is over
The longest day has just begun
I turn myself in someone
I should’ve been all along
But these trials are here to mold us
We are how we reply

[Chorus]
And all the worlds within you
And all the places that you go
All the love that’s inside you
All the scars and the lows
All the worlds
All the worlds

Check One, Check Two to Acceptance

When I got back from Italy, my job began a hurried phase. It was the final and third trimester of the Spanish school year, and I was teaching the English department’s theater class. Things got intense because I was not used to the schedule or timeline of when students took exams. Therefore, our lead students in the school play ended up missing some of the practices during the last couple of weeks, due to exams and studying. (I will never understand the student studying mentality in Spain).

Senior-level students graduated in mid-May before we performed our play, so I had to become creative. All of these schedule irregularities threw me for a loop when I got back, but I was able to work around them. We had to work together to make sure that we got costumes for each character and that character lines were rehearsed at home for students who were missing practice.

The Graduates

A proud moment of month five happened when all of the schedule irregularities concluded, and my students pulled together to attend rehearsals to practice and do what they needed in order to make our two back-to-back performances successful. In addition, I was able to see the oldest students in the group, and my Segundo Bachillerato classes, graduate during month five. I hadn’t been to a high-school graduation since my own. Tata went to my high school and undergraduate graduations, so this moment was extra special for me because I felt like in some very small way that I helped these Segundo Bachillerato students succeed before their graduation.

When I looked back at seminal moments in my life and thought of my students over the course of their year, I realized that I was experiencing my own circle-of-life moment. Music is the answer to everything – even graduations. One of the highlights in my own life was my high-school graduation, and all the life-changing events that came afterward (college, friends, internships, firsts of all kinds…). I’m sure in another ten years I will look back and think the same as I read this article. I listen, even now, to Bush’s song and think about the trials that shape us in life and how scared, yet happy I felt at graduation. Now I realize that was only the beginning of what was to come. My students at graduation might have felt a similar feeling.

last day of class before their graduation resiliency — One of my Segundo Bachillerato classes on their last day of class before their graduation.

Good & Bad Moments

All the while, I was feeling my own sense of fear, a new fear that I never knew I had. The night Tata passed, at that moment, I realized I feared the finality of death. How I would never see her again, how I would never be able to speak to her again. This was not a question of my own mortality, but rather the fact that I would not be able to live with her into the future. However, the one thing living in my 30s has taught me is the realization that life comes full circle. My experience abroad changed me in a way that made me appreciate EVERYTHING life brings — the good and bad moments and everything in between.

I wasn’t prepared to lose Tata while living in Madrid. However, during this challenge, I found an inner strength and acceptance that I never knew I had. Month five turned out to be one of the happiest experiences in my life. Everyone at the school worked so hard to perform our play. I created lifelong memories with these students, which I will cherish until I grow old and can’t remember them anymore. I realized life has its special moments, and it is in those moments that we must hold on to that joy, sadness, or whatever feeling is driving us at the time. For it is in these most memorable moments, good and bad, that shape who we are and ultimately how we perceive ourselves and treat others.

My theatre class and I at the end of both performances. One of the happiest moments of my life abroad!

Building The Essential Checklist:

Here are some helpful tips that I developed as I dealt with the grieving process abroad:

Go out and talk to friends, coworkers and try to retain as normal a routine as possible. You don’t have to talk to them about your grief, but it does help to go out and make new memories while you are trying to let the pain subside.
Cry when it hurts, but don’t let it consume you. Suppressing feelings is not a normal thing to do. It only results in delayed, and sometimes worse, outcomes.
Seek professional counseling if you feel like you can’t follow your everyday routine and things aren’t getting better.
Try not to internalize your sadness. Write to your family and friends back home or write to a stranger. Maybe talking to someone you don’t know as well as someone you do know will help you release some of the suppressed feelings you are experiencing.
Start a new hobby and find a way to focus on making it as meaningful as you can while you are abroad.
Listen to feedback from friends and family. Be aware of what they say and note whether or not you need to adjust your lifestyle choices. Resilience begins once you understand your behavior and its effects, and how you should adjust to being able to recover from grief in order to become your better self.
ENCOURAGE people in your life to try their best. Teachers, get to know your students’ needs, and most important, get to know your students before telling them they CAN’T do something. This type of behavior causes learner anxiety and self-doubt.
Take time to mourn and reflect the way you feel in order to start healing. Make plans ahead of time during a holiday break to enjoy yourself by doing something fun. Do the things you need in order to find peace within.
Whatever you might be feeling on the inside – reflect and let it guide you to acceptance. Let it propel you toward accomplishing whatever it is that you went abroad to do. Acceptance comes over time but doing your job is important. Keep that in mind and try to move forward.

Read the final article in the series here.

by Leesa Truesdell

Resiliency Abroad While Exploring: Month Four

Posted on December 20, 2017July 28, 2021 by Leesa Truesdell

To read the previous article in this series, please go here.

Resiliency and Confidence While Exploring

As each week passed, I felt more and more adjusted to my life in Madrid. The best part about all of it was that I was getting stronger and more confident in making my way around the city—and speaking Spanish! I made amends with friends. With all my heart, I tried my best to accept that I couldn’t change the fact that Tata was gone. All I could do was remember her and the good times we shared. And so, I did.

I decided to spend spring break exploring! It is the season for adventure, after all. I wanted the chance to see Italy again. But, this time, I wanted to see Milan. My goal was also to experience the southern parts of Italy that I had read about in travel magazines. I wanted to experience Italian culture and let my soul search deep into the wine, food, and rich history. I also knew that the week of my travels would be an incredibly special time. It was around Easter, and Good Friday happened to fall on what would have been Tata’s 90th birthday.

She was born on April 14, 1927. In her memory, I planned a trip to Italy and spent much of my time reflecting on life. I also wanted to celebrate her life the way she would have wanted me to. During this trip, I realized through subtle reminders (such as a song played by a street musician as I passed) that the people we hold dear to us often become part of us.

Remembering the Good Things

The people who were an important part of our lives will not go away after they pass if we choose not to let their memory fade. I realized I could always have Tata live on through me by continuing to do some of the things she liked to do. I felt a piece of her in my heart and considered it a sign of good luck. There were things that would remind me of Tata, especially certain types of music, food, and wine! I believe part of the healing in my grieving process was facing the things that reminded me most of her and celebrating them instead of feeling sad about them.

Keep your head up, your heart strong.” – Ben Howard

Month Four: Signs

Italy! Eat, drink and be merry. Tata loved all three. I will save the details of all the locations for another post. While I could write all day about the many fascinating parts of my Italian experience, I will return to this for another time!

The first stop on my itinerary was Milan, where I saw my first Italian opera at the Teatro Alla Scala. The performance of Anna Bolena, the tragic retelling of the life and death of one of Henry VIII’s wives, was outstanding and so was my balcony seat. My favorite part of the show was the orchestra, which was right below me. I could hear and see each instrument being played in sync to each character’s dramatic role.

No Place Like Rome

It wasn’t quite what I pictured in my mind as I had heard details from people who had been there before who had said it was old and run down. Yet I didn’t feel that vibe while I was there at all. Yes, the city is extremely old but it is FULL of life. I especially enjoyed being in Rome the week before Easter for a variety of reasons but mainly because of its history. The city feels like you are walking back in time with every step you take.

I fortunately had a local take me through town, which helped me to get under the Italian capital’s skin more easily I knew the history in Rome would be one of the highlights of my trip. Because of that, I wanted to spend a good deal of time learning about it. The area I enjoyed walking through most was the Roman Ghetto. Because of the time of year, the Vatican became a favorite of mine too. I saw the Vatican the Monday after Palm Sunday and got to keep a piece of palm from the ceremony the day before.

A Taste of Sicily

Last, but certainly not least, I visited two parts on the island of Sicily. I flew from Rome to Palermo, and then drove to Taormina. The most interesting part about Taormina is that you have to take a funicular, or cable car, to get up to the town on top of the hill. So on my first night there, which happened to be Good Friday, and also my Tata’s birthday, I did just that. I got a glimpse of Taormina atop the hill.

It’s Good Friday

The most important part of this trip was the events that took place on what would have been Tata’s 90th birthday. The magical part about this day was that I was able to see a full religious procession in Sicily (on a whim).

In an earlier post, I spoke about how the St. Croixe church in Bordeaux, France helped me take an important step forward in my grieving process. Well, something similar happened on Good Friday. I was walking around Taormina in the downtown area up on the hill. I was browsing through the Swarovski store. This became incredibly meaningful once I realized where I was and on what day.

Backstory: I had given a necklace to a friend as a keepsake before we said goodbye in Madrid and I was looking for a replacement (something different but unique to Italy) for myself. However, looking back now, the irony of this story and why the “sign” or symbol of Swarovski is important, is because my grandfather used to always bring Tata a Swarovski crystal for Christmas from abroad. I fondly remember sitting in her kitchen one Christmas. Papa told her to reach over her shoulder into the stocking above, hanging on the wall.

To this day, I will always remember the smile on her face when she reached into the stocking and pulled out the box. When she opened the box, a tiny mouse-shaped crystal that had a tiny metal spring as its tail unveiled itself. It was definitely something my grandfather would have picked out. She looked at it adoringly and put it next to the swan crystal in her glass cabinet. Over the years, her collection grew as did my memories of her adoring the Christmas holiday and, of course, my Papa’s special gifts.

Calmness During Procession

While in the store, the lights grew dim, and the staff asked me to leave so we could watch the procession. I knew what a procession was because I had heard about it the week before from my students in class. However, in Italy they do their processions a bit differently than in Spain. As I walked outside, I heard music and singing. I saw votive candles and women wearing black. They were carrying Jesus Christ during each stage of his life on Good Friday. The feeling I felt while watching this unexpected event is one I will never forget and hold dear to my heart.

Looking Back

As I look back at this moment, how I felt and how I feel now, I realize that this trip to Italy helped me let go and officially mourn my grandmother in a way that was special for my own self-growth. The procession that happened on her birthday was a raw moment for me. It became my way of laying her to rest. Since I was not able to be with my family for a memorial or for the prayer with the priest as she took her last breath, this procession on her birthday made me feel as if I achieved closure.

I took deep breaths and lived in the moment. I looked into the crowd into the eyes of either a young Italian girl or an elderly Italian woman. They all proceeded in honor of a man who died for others. For me, observing this culture and seeing these women gave me the peace in my heart that I needed to close the door in order to move on without feeling the guilt I had been feeling. For whatever reason, because I wasn’t there to see her when she died, I felt guilty and I needed to let that go. Me being hard on myself made me feel unsettled inside. And, for whatever reason, this procession and this moment during my quest made me start to feel at peace in my heart and especially within my soul.

Building The Essential Checklist

Here are some helpful tips that I developed as I dealt with the grieving process abroad:

Go out and talk to friends, coworkers and try to retain as normal a routine as possible. You don’t have to talk to them about your grief, but it does help to go out and make new memories while you are trying to let the pain subside.
Cry when it hurts, but don’t let it consume you. Suppressing feelings is not a normal thing to do. It only results in delayed, and sometimes worse, outcomes.
Seek professional counseling if you feel like you can’t follow your everyday routine and things aren’t getting better.
Try not to internalize your sadness. Write to your family and friends back home or write to a stranger. Maybe talking to someone you don’t know as well as someone you do know will help you release some of the suppressed feelings you are experiencing.
Start a new hobby and find a way to focus on making it as meaningful as you can while you are abroad.
Listen to feedback from friends and family. Be aware of what they say and note whether or not you need to adjust your lifestyle choices. Resilience begins once you understand your behavior and its effects, and how you should adjust to being able to recover from grief in order to become your better self.
ENCOURAGE people in your life to try their best. Teachers, get to know your students’ needs, and most important, get to know your students before telling them they CAN’T do something. This type of behavior causes learner anxiety and self-doubt.
Take time to mourn and reflect the way you feel in order to start healing. Make plans ahead of time during a holiday break to enjoy yourself by doing something fun. Do the things you need in order to find peace within.

For my next article, I will be writing about Acceptance, Resilience, Happiness: Month 5 while teaching abroad. Thank you for reading and being a part of the Dreams Abroad family!

by Leesa Truesdell

Discovering Resilience: Month Three Part Two

Posted on November 26, 2017May 27, 2021 by Leesa Truesdell

Travel With Heart

I took two trips in March: one to London and the other to Bordeaux in France. Both trips were special and added meaning to my overall journey abroad. They also marked a very important part of my grieving process and in discovering resilience.

After I took these trips, I knew my grandmother’s memory would not only live on in my recollections but also, remain within my soul. Tata enjoyed traveling too. Both she and my grandfather traveled their entire adult lives, which I heard stories of as a child. It was her travel tales that came to life in my mind that added fuel to my own dreams abroad.

When I began my solo travels in 2013, Tata was not able to accompany me. The first trip I took was to Puerto Rico to see where my grandparents were born and lived. Since that adventure, I traveled to many different places in South America. Ultimately, I decided to move to Madrid to teach abroad. I chose the Spanish capital so that I could find out more about the culture and history of this Iberian country. After all, my ancestors were from Mallorca!

Exploring Apart From Tata

There were moments during my travels where I felt like Tata and I were bonding spiritually. Although she was not physically with me, I felt her with me in my heart. Over time, I realized what traveling meant to her.

I began to enjoy travel and I got good at it. I picked up the vibes of foreign places and I understood how to interact with locals on their terms. Traveling became (and still is) my favorite pastime. With each place I went, she was there with me, even though her dementia was getting worse and worse.

After I moved to Madrid, the divide between us was no longer distance, but life and death. I truly believe I have honored her by leading a life of exploration of both the world and myself. Below I talk about the special places and the feelings that I had while grieving hard. Despite my grief, I felt inspired with each new memory I made when visiting new places.

“Pray for the ones I wish I could erase
Cause we are who we are and we’ll be who we’ll be
Live for the moment and the mystery of everybody owns a scar
To show us how we got this far
Cause we are who we are and we’ll be who we’ll be
Don’t ever think you’ll take away the fight in me“

– lyric from “I Want It” by Blue October

An Ode to Tata

London was a significant part of my grieving process because of its many unforgettable moments. I went to a Blue October concert with a very special friend. The event felt so raw and cathartic. Each time I heard the violin coupled with the lyrics to the songs I knew by heart, it took me to a calm and peaceful place. When I listen to the LP, I still feel like I am standing in London at the concert. Very few performances have ever been that powerful in my life, and have ever resonated with so much emotion.

Lighting a Candle for Tata

On that same trip, Emma and I did some sightseeing. We went to Shakespeare’s Globe for a performance of Othello. It was an unforgettable moment in time. Emma made the wonderful recommendation to light a candle at Westminster Abbey. I remembered Tata by lighting a candle in her honor and found solace in my own special way in an amazing place. Since that day, I am so thankful that Emma made the suggestion. I had never realized that lighting a candle could be so meaningful. My healing process actually began the day I lit that candle in the Abbey.

What stood out the most to me inside this amazing church was not only the architecture, but also, the amazing people who were laid to rest there. Some of the most renowned people from English history like kings, warriors, and scientists rest there. They are people who left their mark on England and the world. I felt reverence as I passed through Westminster. I felt truly amazed by the incredible history. Westminster Abbey, the beautiful church where I began my personal letting-go and healing process. At the time and over the course of my stay abroad, I didn’t realize that’s where discovering resilience began.

A March Miracle

The second holiday weekend in March, I traveled with Morgan to Bordeaux. This trip became even more important in my grieving process. By this time, I had suppressed a lot of feelings. I felt as if I would explode at any moment. I struggled with feelings of grief, not receiving enough sleep, and the constant challenge of dealing with cultural and language barriers.

The last day in Bordeaux, I took the day to explore the streets. The beautiful springtime in Bordeaux finds itself as the perfect time for adventuring! I stumbled upon a beautiful church in St. Peter’s Square: the Église Sainte-Croix de Bordeaux. The experience inside this church felt life-changing for a number of reasons. While I sat on a bench, I listened to the hymns that floated from some unknown location in the church. The hymns made the experience even more magical.

As I sat, I let go of all the stress and bottled-up nerves. It felt like something inside me finally turned on. Then, all of a sudden, all of the emotions that I bottled up came out. Again, I didn’t realize at the time that this was a huge stepping stone in my grieving process. I would only realize it months later. But, that day in the church, something struck me with a moment of clarity that shook me to my core. It began a moment of serious self-realization and trusting myself in order to understand what I needed to make these feelings of intense sadness go away.

I usually schedule my trips meticulously. On this day, at this time, I hadn’t. I had stumbled upon this place — it found me. After that moment, my grief became a whole lot easier to process. My walls came down.

A Lesson Learned

A guard at *Kensington Palace* let Emma and me take photos in this chair. We felt so special!

The lesson I learned from month three was that I needed to let my walls come down. I barricaded myself inside my own mental fortress after returning from the States in January. Since then, I’d created sensitivities to the Spanish culture that had never been there before. Even one of my friends noticed a change in me. She didn’t know anything about what I felt because of the walls I built around me for protection after the death of my grandmother.

The months after her death felt extremely difficult. I didn’t leave my house for the first ten days after she died. If I did, it was to go to work. I was closed off to friends, to learning the language, to meeting new people, to trying new things, and most importantly, to living my life in Madrid. If you know someone who just lost a loved one, go easy on them. You never know what they might be feeling that is making them behave a certain way. If they matter to you, talk to them; if they don’t want to talk, listen to them.

Building The Essential Checklist

Here are some helpful tips that I developed as I dealt with the grieving process abroad:

Go out and talk to friends and coworkers. Try to remain as normal as you can and maintain a routine as much as possible. You don’t have to talk to people about your grief, but it does help to go out and make new memories while you are trying to let the pain subside.
Cry when it hurts, but don’t let it consume you. Suppressing feelings is not a normal thing to do. It only results in delayed, and sometimes worse, outcomes.
Seek professional counseling if you feel like you can’t keep your normal routine and things aren’t getting better.
Try not to internalize your sadness. Write to your family and friends back home or write to a stranger. Maybe talking to someone you don’t know well will help you relieve some of the suppressed feelings you experience.
Find a hobby and find a way to focus on making it as meaningful as you can while you are abroad.
Listen to feedback from friends and family. Be aware of what they say. Note whether or not you need to adjust your lifestyle choices. Discovering resilience begins once you understand your behavior and its effects, and how you should adjust in order to be able to recover from grief to become your better self.
ENCOURAGE people in your life to try their best. Teachers: get to know your students’ needs. Most importantly, get to know your students before telling them they CAN’T do something. This type of behavior causes learner anxiety and self-doubt.

My next article will show a progression of my journey through the grief and loss of my beloved grandmother. During the month of April, I went on a trip to Italy and began to find peace of mind and in my heart. Join me on my adventure back in time through one of Europe’s most beautiful countries.

Thank you for reading and being a part of the Dreams Abroad family!

Resilience Abroad: Month Three

Posted on November 9, 2017July 22, 2021 by Leesa Truesdell

Tidal Wave

As I mentioned in the last article, the waves kept coming and almost engulfed me. I felt like a surfer on the north shore trying to ride huge waves with a ragged, water-logged surfboard. It wasn’t until the third month after my grandmother passed that I realized what was happening.

I had a friend point out how I had reacted about something. Shortly after this interaction, a tsunami of grief hit and it came crashing down harder than anything I had experienced before. My insides felt like they were on fire but really it was my nerves.

I was angry. Why? I don’t really know. It is not as if it was happening all the time. The anger came in spurts and occurred for reasons that I can’t even explain. It would start with little things and then, the little things escalated into bigger things. Then, I just simply stopped caring. One of the most important persons in my life was gone, and I couldn’t process it. Period.

At this stage, my work was the only area of my life that was consistent each day. It was the highlight of my day and, looking back, some of my best memories in Madrid were made at my workspace. I looked at each day in the classroom as my opportunity to channel my inner Tata, which gave me the strength that I needed to move past the sadness and return to the path to feeling semi-normal again.

A New Normal

I couldn’t talk about Tata or what I was feeling in my heart because it was too painful to bring up memories while I was so far from home. Instead, I built intricate walls for protection. I didn’t realize the walls were as strong and high as they were until they caused problems in my social life.

I lost two friends because of my behavior and realized at that point that I needed to make a change. A bit thereafter, my social life started to come back to a state of normalcy. I began to open up more and the walls slowly came tumbling down.

Month Three: Walls

“I guess it’s like a voice inside my heart; reminding me that there is nothing to fear in the things that I am afraid of.” – Tove Lo

Day after day, I walked the streets of Madrid and rode the Metro listening to music on my way to work. I was going through my days trying to work through my loss. The more I walked, the more the music meant to me.

There was one specific song on Tove Lo’s album in March that really touched my soul one morning on the Metro. It’s called Imaginary Friend, and the quote above is from that track. The song makes you think she has an imaginary friend that she calls on when she is going through a hard time. However, at the end of the track you realize there is much more to the story. This was an important insight for me, understanding that things go beyond the surface. It was a useful lesson that helped me through this time.

Tove Lo: Imaginary Friend

March was difficult in the beginning but it got better. I was on the path to building resilience. My personal life suffered because I was suppressing grief. My friends didn’t know how it was affecting me because my walls were so high. I was not as thoughtful as I could have been about how I handled certain exchanges between us.

One of my close friends was strong enough to point out how I was reacting to certain things, and pretty much from that point on, I was more aware of things like my deliberate avoidance of using the Spanish language or becoming negative about certain things in life (that I am usually not negative about). Looking back, it was her good-natured spirit that made me alert to what was happening. I became aware of my actions and myself; I realized that I needed to make changes. Shortly thereafter, I signed up for private lessons with a Spanish conversation tutor, Enrique, who quickly became a firm friend.

There Is No Can’t In Resilience Abroad

During my grief process abroad, I had a tipping point. Before the death of my grandmother, I signed up for Spanish classes at a private academy upon returning from my winter vacation. After a few lessons and the week after my grandma’s death in January, the instructor approached me after class and asked me in Spanish if I would consider moving down a level. With tears in my eyes, I turned to her and said: “Lo siento, eres muy mal profe.”

I walked out of the academy feeling a bolt of pain in my heart that I think also contributed to the disconnect and soon detachment that I started to feel with the language. But this taught me a valuable lesson which I still draw upon as a teacher. It is so important to get to know your students and their needs.

The instructor did not realize that I was one week out from the recent death of my grandmother. It was so hard to try to make it to class, let alone try to communicate in a foreign language. I tried my best and in the end, it all worked out because I met Enrique. I realized in my first few sessions with Enrique that the previous teacher had caused me to doubt myself and subconsciously I was stalling with words that I had never had trouble with before.

However, this was an important lesson learned for my self-growth and most importantly, my growth as a foreign and second-language teacher. I mention this part of my journey in month three because this tipping point added to my self-doubt, frustration, and anger. When the tsunami hit, there were many outside factors that contributed to the anger and frustration that I felt while living abroad. I just didn’t know why at the time.

Lesson Learned

If a student is struggling, find out more. Don’t assume it’s their proficiency level right away. Most important, don’t tell them they can’t. Many times we are so quick to doubt or blame others for their shortcomings. ENCOURAGE your students to try their best! Look beyond the surface.

Building The Essential Checklist

Here are some helpful tips that I developed as I dealt with the grieving process abroad

Go out and talk to friends and coworkers etc. Try to retain as normal a routine as possible. You don’t have to share your grief, but it does help to make new memories to help the pain subside.
Cry when it hurts, but don’t let it consume you. Suppressing feelings is not natural. It only results in delayed, and sometimes counterproductive, outcomes.
Seek professional counseling if you feel like you can’t follow your everyday routine and you’re finding that things aren’t getting better.
Avoid internalizing your sadness. Write to your family and friends back home or even to a stranger. Maybe talking to someone you don’t know as well as someone you do will help you release some of the hidden feelings you are experiencing.
Take up a new hobby and find a way to focus on making it as meaningful as you can while you are abroad.
Listen to feedback from friends and family. Be aware of what they say and note whether or not you need to adjust your lifestyle choices. Resilience abroad begins once you understand your behavior and its effects, and how you should adapt to be able to recover from grief in order to become your better self.

March was an incredibly complex month which is why I have broken this piece into two parts. Check out part two for more details.

by Leesa Truesdell

Grieving Far From Home: Month One

Posted on September 15, 2017May 28, 2021 by Leesa Truesdell

I would like to start off by saying that not all people grieve the same way and that this article is a reflection of how I coped with my feelings of loss while I lived abroad. I am in no way discrediting any other methods of grief management. Rather, I am sharing my method of healing as a way to provide insight for those who might one day be living abroad and feel similar. Some people might feel that returning to their home country is the best option and others may not have that option. Everyone is different and there is no right or wrong way to mourn. Time takes its course and it’s up to us to keep that person’s memory alive in our heart.

Month One: Numb

The very worst part about pain is that the minute you think you’ve past it, it starts all over again.” – Meredith Grey

The first month after my beloved grandmother, Tata, passed was probably the most difficult that I had while abroad. It was one of the hardest times in my adult life to date. The night she passed away I received a call from my father. Leading up to that call, I received updates by the hour from family members with her. I finally received “the text,” the one that said “…she passed away.” It was the one you never want to get. I remember feeling as if everything suddenly went still.

After I got it, I paused and mumbled “no.” Looking back, there was an eerie stillness because it was as if I felt her leave the earth. It felt as if our souls touched one more time. I have never experienced death or grief like this in the States or abroad. Maybe it was better for me that I was away… or maybe it wasn’t. It all felt so surreal.

Leading up to that text, I didn’t believe anyone in my family who told me that she was that ill. It was because I didn’t WANT to believe that she was that ill. I had just seen her about two weeks before for Christmas Eve. She was singing and smiling. All I could think was, “no, not Tata.” I couldn’t process what was happening. During the first month, I felt numb to everything. In a sense, I walked through each day, simply going through the motions. It was all I could do to press on.

Music Is The Answer

What helped that first month after my grandma died was forcing myself to go out and, interestingly, listening to music. Music was my way of escape. Now, it’s how I remember her. Sometimes we may not know what to do until we take the first step. For me, my first step was meeting a friend at a musical we had planned on months before my grandmother’s death. At that moment, all I needed was to see a friend and feel a hug.

It had been ten days since I had real human contact. I had talked on the phone and seen colleagues at work a few days after her passing. But, there was nothing like seeing a close friend, and hearing a very familiar American-themed musical that I grew up knowing and loving. My soul felt better after the show. I slowly became able to start accepting and not denying her passing.

Building the Essential Checklist

Here are some helpful tips that I developed as I dealt with the grieving process abroad:

Go out and talk to friends, coworkers, and even acquaintances. Try to maintain as normal of a daily/weekly routine as possible. You don’t have to talk to them about your grief, but it does help to go out and make new memories while you are trying to let the pain subside.
Cry when it hurts, but don’t let it consume you. Don’t suppress your feelings. It only results in delayed and sometimes worse outcomes. Cry when you need to. Let out the sadness you feel, it’s normal. However, sadness should not stop you from seeing friends or going to work.
Seek professional help or counseling if you feel like you can’t do your normal routine and things aren’t getting better after more than a few weeks.

by Leesa Truesdell